Pizza Ninja
by TheLostArcheaologist
Summary: Crazy shop owners, habitually late coworkers, awful managers, and chi spells: just another day in the life of the friendly neighborhood pizza delivery ninja. The characters of Jackie Chan Adventures viewed through the eyes of an outsider. Season 2.
1. Chapter 1

I stared at the red numbers on the wall as the seconds counted down to seven o'clock, the end of my shift. It had been a really long day, and all I wanted to do is go home, eat something that isn't slathered in grease and cheese, and soak in a bubble bath until Tuesday. Unfortunately, Issac or Ice, as he likes to be called, was late again, which meant I'll be picking up at least part of his shift, for the third time in two weeks.

I was really starting to get tired of this job. I only took it to ease some of the financial pressure from college, but lately it had been more stress than all my history classes combined. I glanced at the want ads in the day-old paper I brought in to read between calls. Sperm donor? Wrong gender. Housekeeper? You only need to glance at my apartment to see that's not a good fit. Exotic dancer? Maybe, if I lost about forty pounds and my remaining self-respect. I sat the paper down and groaned. I apparently was holding down the only job in the Bay Area that I was qualified for, and it completely sucked.

"Maria!" I looked up as I hear my boss, Bob, grunt at me. "I gotta delivery for you- Chinatown."

I glanced at the clock again: six forty five. I decided to press my luck. "Can't Ice do it at the start of his shift?"

I always thought Bob had issues- he struck me as a genuinely nice guy when I interviewed, but after working for him for a few months I found out that he's not a good boss. He's too nice to fire Ice, despite the fact that he's habitually late. He's too nice to raise prices, which means he's always short of money to hire new employees. And because I'm also too nice and cursed with dependability, that meant most of the driving got shunted my way, and he didn't need to fire Ice or hire anyone else. Infinite loop powers, activate!

"Oh, sure! If he's here for the start of his shift! But you're here now, and you can do it for his tips!" He had a point, and I needed the money. Still do, come to think of it. I stood up and shot him a smile as he handed me the box.

On my way out, I glanced around the parking lot, woefully innocent of Ice's Mercury that he refers to as his "chick magnet." However, any sane "chick" such as myself would refer to it as a "death trap." I guess that's what you get when you're a teenager with a bad attitude and a big ego. I rolled my eyes at the thought of it, and headed for Lisa, my little '95 Cavalier. It's seen better days, and I've just had to drop a metric ton of money into it for a head gasket, but it's easy on gas, gets me where I need to go, and is in good enough shape that I can't justify spending that much on another car.

The address was in Chinatown, but not a shady part. I had been through there several times already, the first when I just moved to the city, and found a neat little antiques shop that I promised myself I'd visit when I have enough money to buy something. I navigated to the street easily, swung Lisa into the first parking spot that I could find, and glanced at the address on the box as I got out of the car. As it turned out, the parking gods were with me that day, because I had hit the brake right in front of it.

It was a storefront in a rather old building, though that wasn't necessarily special in this part of town, but it was very familiar and inviting. I glanced at the sign- Uncle's Rare Finds! That was the shop I wanted to visit! Pleased that I wouldn't have to wait until I'm not flat broke to see the inside, I bounded up the steps.

Urgh. Bad luck. The sign was turned to closed, but someone ordered a pizza; I knocked on the door and shouted, "N1NJ4 Pizza! Delivery!"

I didn't name the shop. Bob did. Don't ask me why he called it that.

I heard some noise coming from the other side of the door and put on my best Pizza Ninja smile. The door swung open, and on the other side stood this cute old Chinese guy that I assumed was "Uncle." He was dressed in a white shirt and this sort of yellow-colored vest that was probably older than I was from the looks of it, and blue jeans. His hair put Einstein's to shame. He glared at me over his pince-nez glasses. "Shop is closed," he said matter of factly as he began to close the door.

"Er- someone ordered a pizza," I said, holding up the receipt. "Large, half pepperoni, mushrooms and pineapple, half," I glanced back at it to check, "garlic?"

From the way he acted, you would have thought I had just offered him a live marmot with fleas. "No! Uncle did not order pizza! Uncle does not want pizza, and Uncle does not want ninjas!"

"But I'm not a-"

"Shop is closed!" he shouted as he slammed the door. The bell made a pleasant ding as I stepped back to avoid having my nose smashed in.

"Oookayyy..." I said to no one in particular. As I stood there getting my bearings after being told off by a very cheesed off Chinese man, I heard another commotion from behind the door. This time when it opened, the person behind it was much shorter.

"Heh, sorry about that," the Chinese girl apologized as she grinned widely up at me. "Uncle gets cranky when he hasn't eaten. Come on in."

I set one foot inside the door when I heard from my right an anguished, "Ai-yaaaa!" I fumbled with the pizza as I turned to face the nearest threat- Uncle, again. For some reason, he was pointing a dried blowfish at me and rapidly chanting, "Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fie Di Jow" over and over again. His hand was shaking violently.

I glanced at the girl in front of me, who had an equally anguished expression on her face, and then back at the old man. I finally cleared my throat and attempted to say something intelligent, but I only got as far as, "Um, Sir?"

He stopped and straightened his glasses, much in the same way as a cat smoothes out its fur after missing a jump onto the kitchen counter and landing smack on the floor in a last-ditch effort to remain dignified. "You are not a demon," he said, seemingly satisfied.

I would have thought this was pretty obvious, seeing as I exist, and demons, well, don't. But apparently it wasn't. "But you could have been! Jade, why did you let her into my shop?"

"Because she was carrying pizza?" she said, as if this too were pretty obvious. The kid reached into the pocket of her orange hoodie and pulled out a $20, which she handed to me in exchange for the pizza. I reached into my pocket to get change, but she waved me off.

"Thanks!" I said. Four dollars on sixteen wasn't all that much to write home about, but coming from a kid that age showed real class.

"Uncle does not need pizza!" the old man continued to protest.

"Tch. Jackie and Tohru are both out on a mi- on a business trip, and I can barely boil water. What are we going to eat, mung bean sandwiches?"

"Mung beans are good for you!" He shot me a look that indicated that any disagreement on my part would meet with swift and severe punishment.

"Oh yes," I said, thinking of the canned bean sprouts I usually dumped into my stir fry at home. "Very good for you." The poor girl, who apparently didn't like mung beans, looked like she was going to gag, so I turned away fairly quickly. Before I could leave, though, something on the shelf next to the door caught my eye. "Hey, what's this?" I asked of no one in particular as I went to examine it.

The old man, sensing blood in the water from a wounded sale, circled in for the kill. He pointed at the stone tablet on the shelf. "That is-"

"-a prime example of Linear B, hailing from ancient Crete!" I said as I leaned in closer. "I can't decipher it all, but I know that this is some sort of number, and that's ram... and I'm pretty sure that must be ewe... this was some sort of ancient tax form, I bet!" I turned at him with a grin a mile wide on my face. "Where did you get this?"

It's probably no secret to you by now that I'm not like other people. Other people wouldn't have noticed the brown tablet on the brown shelf. If they did, they would have ignored it and run like hell away from the crazy that appeared to permeate the shop. However, I thrive on a certain kind of crazy- I am a very big geek, especially about archeology.

Uncle must have sensed this; he peered at me over his glasses. "You know your ancient language," he said, almost accusingly.

I shrugged. "I'm an archeology major at UC." I pointed over my shoulder in the general direction of Berkley. "You hiring?" I asked, only half joking.

"Uncle cannot afford another assistant!" I flinched and tried not to jump backward at the outburst. The old man then gave me a thin expression that might have been a smile. "My nephew is an archeologist with the museum. You would get along, and I believe that _they_ are hiring."

I jumped at the chance to get away from the food service industry. "Can I give you my phone number to pass along?"

"See?" the girl said, almost jumping up and down as she was pointing at me. "She can't be a demon! Look at her! She's adorable!"

I had just been called adorable by a nine year old. My night was complete.

A minute later after I had written down my phone number and given it to the shopkeeper, I was back to Lisa. I had just begun taking the lighted N1NJ4 Pizza sign off the roof, when the cell phone in my jacket pocket started to ring. I winced. I knew who it was before I answered. "Hello?"

"Maria! How ya' doin?"

"Good, Bob." I knew where this was going and put the sign back up. "What's up?"

"Listen, Ice isn't in yet, and I've got another order to fill. Can you come back in? I promise you're still on the clock."

I rub my eyes. "Yeah, sure. I'll be right there."

"Thanks a lot, Maria! It's a big one, so there will be a nice big tip!"

"Yeahsure. See you in a minute." I hung up the phone and wearily plopped in Lisa's driver's seat, fastening my seatbelt. The green LED on the radio read 7:01- my shift was over, and I didn't really have to go back, but what was one more delivery? Besides, Bob sounded like he was really stuck. I turned the key in the ignition and shifted out of park, heading back to the shop.

Still, on the way I found myself moaning, "I don't get paid enough for this."


	2. Chapter 2

The seven pizza boxes stacked on the counter towered over my head.

"Bob, you can't be serious. How am I supposed to deliver those? I can't even lift them all!"

"Don't worry! The guy said he'd meet you on the street. It's some sort of office, and he said it was hard to find. Oh! He wanted four 2-liters!" Bob practically ran into the back, leaving me to carry the seven pizzas three and four at a time to Lisa. He met me at the door with all four colas just as I finished. "Now, he's going to meet you on the street by the address. He'll have people there to carry all of it in, so you don't have to do anything but get there. Got it? Good. See you soon!"

I sat the sodas on the floor in the back seat, got myself situated, and glanced at the clock as I turned the key in the ignition. 7:13. I shifted into overdrive as I swore I would beat Ice with raw pizza dough if he wasn't here by the time I got back. Luckily, it didn't take me much longer to get to this delivery than it did to get to the one in Chinatown. However, the address put me in what essentially amounted to a wide, dead-end alley.

I was getting fairly suspicious that we had just been pranked. It wouldn't be the first time that someone had called and ordered an ungodly amount of food to a place that didn't really exist. At least this time there were only seven rather than fifteen that I had to eat, and fortunately, none had olives. I pulled out my cell phone to ask Bob for advice, but I was surprised to find that I had no service. Weird. In the middle of a city where people have this almost-pathological need to be connected, you would think there wouldn't be a dead spot. Well, unless someone had bought a jammer; high-end restaurants and movie theaters sometimes have them, but I didn't think I was in that kind of neighborhood. I was in luck, though- past the dumpster and the loose garbage bags, Lisa's headlights glinted off the glass of a relic that I thought went the way of eight track tapes and leg warmers: a phone booth. The alley was empty and silent except for a little mechanical whirr that I thought was probably just a barely-functional air conditioner from the apartments upstairs, so I got out of the car and began walking over, hoping that I either had change, or that the phone card Mom had bought me when I went to school still had a couple minutes on it.

I swear on a stack of bibles that there was _no one_ in that phone booth when I got out of the car. Somehow, while I had turned around to lock Lisa up, someone had appeared inside the booth and exited as soon as I'd turned around, slamming the door with a bang that made me jump. I almost had a heart attack when I saw him. Well, when you're a female pizza ninja in a dark alley by yourself with no cell phone reception, and see a guy with a linebacker build that has about a foot and a half on you in height, what would you think? I closed my hand around the pepper spray in my jacket pocket. "Er..." I said.

The bald man walked purposefully toward me, his long black coat trailing out behind him in the slight breeze. His brown eyes narrowed as he spoke, "When it snows in Baltimore, does it rain in Orlando?"

This might not be the strangest question anyone has ever asked me, but it gets bonus points for the circumstances. Having only been to Boston twice in my life, I had no idea what east coast US weather patterns were like. "Er... what?"

He shook his head. "When it snows in Baltimore, does it rain in Orlando?"

At this point, I was sure I was dealing with a crazy person and began backing away. "Um... I don't know... no? I'm from Oregon!"

He looked up toward the sky and sighed. Then he composed himself and turned his attention back to me. "Look, are you with N1NJ4 Pizza?" he asked.

"Er... yes." It took a moment before the little light went on. "Oh! Oh, pizza! You had the big order, right? With the four two-liters?"

The man nodded as his stance visibly changed. He seemed more friendly now. He reached into his wallet and held out a fifty. "It's not much of a tip, I know," he said apologetically, "but... you know..."

I didn't really, but I accepted it all the same. I still needed money, and really, nine dollars wasn't too bad. "Frankly, I'm just glad you showed up!" I said as I opened Lisa's passenger side door, "I'd hate to have to eat seven pizzas on my paycheck."

The man's brow knotted in the center. "I only ordered five," he said.

"Well, now, why do I have seven?" I glanced through the boxes, and sure enough, there were two with a different address label. I forced myself not to swear in front of the customer, and lifted the correct five pizzas out of the car. "Sorry about that- my mistake. Um, should I help you carry these..." I looked around at the lack of anything nearby. "Where should I help you carry these?"

"That's all right, miss. My associates will help me."

I swear on a stack of bibles and thirty pounds of good chocolate that I did _not_ see the two men behind me. They came out of nowhere, and lifted the stack of pizzas right out of my arms before I could even say anything. When I did finally get sounds to come out of my mouth, they were about an octave higher than normal at first. "Oh... Okay. Um, here's your drinks." I handed the sodas off to the man in the black coat. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," the man said as he began walking back down the alley.

"Um- hey," I said, my curiosity overriding my common sense. "What was that back there?"

He turned back to me, jaw squared, all business again. "I'm sorry miss- need-to-know basis only."

Something in his voice made me decide that I really didn't need to know. "Okay, sir. Have a good night."

"Same to you, miss," he said as he strode toward the phone booth with the other two men. I really couldn't tell where they were going, and I really didn't care. All I wanted to do was get back in the car and put this crazy night far behind me, and that's just what I did. Funny thing, though: you'd have thought I'd been able to see them when I turned on the headlights.

I stared out at the suddenly empty alleyway in confusion. What were these guys, ninjas? Secret agents? Both? At this point, my exhaustion overrode my curiosity, and I decided to blow it off and just go home. However, that wasn't going to be; just as I backed out of the alley, my phone beeped with a voice mail alert. I was willing to bet that this had something to do with the extra two pizzas that had showed up in my car.

"Hey, Maria, it's Bob. I forgot to tell you- the guy's going to ask you something about weather, and you have to tell him 'Yes, but only if it's foggy in Atlanta.' Got that?"

Thanks Bob. What a wonderful help you are.

"Also, I think you grabbed two extra pizzas on your way out after that big order."

That you placed conveniently on the stack of five. Right.

"You need to drop them off- the address is on the boxes. It's a little out of the way, but it's no problem for you, right?"

No. No problem at all, Bob, except that it is now 7:38, according to the clock on my dashboard. I have worked more than a half hour over, and because I work part time, I don't get overtime. Thanks again!

"Great! I'll see you back here in a little bit!"

I reached the red traffic signal at the corner, stopped and bounced my forehead off the steering wheel a few times.

"I _so_ don't get paid enough for this."


	3. Chapter 3

A five minute drive in the city can result in a big change in scenery. For example, five minutes ago I was standing in a very strange alley, handing pizzas over to a guy that looked like he'd been an MP for the past ten years. It was an okay neighborhood, more office buildings than anything else, but it was clean, well-lit and quiet. I knew that a five minute hop on the freeway would put me near Telegraph Hill, which if you don't know San Francisco, is about as nice as it gets- well, as nice as _I_think it can get. I mean, come on! Nice houses, parrots, view of everything, what more can you ask for? However, I had to go five minutes in the other direction, and... well, let's just say that I'd have rather been delivering to Telegraph Hill.

Shady would have been a good word to describe it. I didn't immediately see a dangerous situation- there wasn't anyone out in the streets that looked ready to make any kind of trouble for a Pizza Ninja, which was good, but I wasn't sure how quickly that was going to change. The houses that lined the street were in varying states of disrepair, ranging from peeling paint to roofs caving in, and very third streetlight was broken or burned out. In short, I wished I could be in a better area, but I had delivered to worse. I hoped that I could drop the pizza off and get out quickly, parked Lisa under the first functional streetlight that I saw and looked for the address on the pizza box.

Turns out I had been reasonably lucky with this parking spot as well; the address was right across the street in a row of houses that were in marginally better shape. I was happy to see that they had left the light in front on, making it a little bit easier and safer for me to cross the street and make the delivery. The whole time I was out of the car, though, I never let go of the pepper spray.

I made my way up the stairs and rang the doorbell; I heard it buzz inside the house over the raucous laughter inside. A few seconds later, a rather large man opened the door. With his dark hair and his complexion, he looked vaguely Italian, probably in the same way my Latin professor thinks I look vaguely Mayan. He was wearing what looked to be part of a black suit- just pants, a white shirt and a red tie. For some reason or another, he had a bandage across his nose.

He also looked and smelled like he had been drinking since noon. Yesterday. I still had to deliver the pizza, though, and I really hoped that he'd be able to stand up long enough to pay. I started with the whole greeting thing that we have to do. "N1-"

"Oooh! Pizza!" he said enthusiastically as he grabbed the box from my hands. "Hey guys! The pizza's here!"

I blinked. The guy was quicker on the uptake than I had thought considering his degree of "having fun." "Okay, that's two large, one extra cheese, one pepperoni. That'll be $26.54." I put a big smile on my face and held out my hand expectantly.

The big guy reached into his back pocket and pulled out a bill. Just before he handed it too me, he glanced at it, and something approximating embarrassment shone on his face. "Uh, hang on."

I know exactly what he did- he had a $20 bill in his pocket, and didn't think that the food was going to be more than that. I've done that before a hundred times. But, you know, he really didn't need to close the door on me. It took no less than fifteen seconds before I started getting nervous again- I mean, wouldn't you? It was well-lit right where I was, but I couldn't see far in any direction, and I had no idea if someone was on the other side of the porch. I rang the doorbell again. Alright, maybe I wasn't thinking all that clearly, but what would you have done?

"Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on!" a second, distinct voice came from behind the door. It opened again; this time, three people were on the other side. The Italian guy was in the back, looking kind of embarrassed; trying to stand up next to him was another guy in a black suit. This one was a bit shorter and skinnier, and he had a complexion that looked vaguely Chinese, or maybe Vietnamese, I couldn't really tell. He was wearing these honking huge orange sunglasses that hid most of his face, which considering how dark it was, was more than a little weird. The guy in front currently handling the money- the one that had advised me to remain clothed from the waist down- well, he was interesting. He had this bright red hair and a complexion just a little bit darker than standard copier bond, and he was wearing- I kid thee not- a white polyester disco suit. Both of them were about three sheets to the wind as well, and I thanked whatever powers that be that they'd ordered delivery instead of trying to drive somewhere to get food.

"Hey there," Disco Drew said as he counted out the money in that special tone of voice that told me that he was going to start flirting. I practiced my telepathy as he counted out the balance in increments of dollar bills and quarters, trying to implant the suggestion that he shouldn't hit on me, but just pay me and let me go home.

"Hi- your total is $26.54," I said, hand held out in hopes that he'd put the money into it.

"Okay.. twenty... four ones is $24..." he dropped ten quarters and four pennies into my outstretched palm. "There you go! And you can come back anytime!" he exclaimed as he winked suggestively.

Lousy rasafrackin hormonal broke drunk...

The disappointment on my face must have been evident, because the Italian man spoke up, "Aw, come on, Finn! She came all the way out here! Can't you give her a little tip?"

"Yeah- don't get involved with demons. Ever." he said as he wagged an unsteady finger at me.

Again with the demons thing. Did the full moon bring out _all_ the crazies that night?

"Unless you got something hidden in that jacket of yours, Ratso, we got nothing." He turned back to me. "But if you want to come inside and hang out for a little while..."

"Sorry, I've got to get back to work." I was really hoping that I wasn't telling the whole truth here, but if it was a lie, it was a very convenient and believable one.

"Wait!" Sunglass Man spoke up, "I got it!" He disappeared back into the house and came back a few seconds later with a six-pack of cheap beer. "Here you go!" he said as he handed it to me.

I wish I could say that this was the first time that I have been tipped in beer.

I forced a smile onto my face; a few of my high school friends have told me that when I put my mind to it, I could graciously accept a bag of live rats. "Well, thank you! You guys have a great night!"

"You too, sweetie!" Finn said as he closed the door. As I stood on the porch counting to ten so I didn't scream, I could hear them talking loudly inside; shoddy construction and paper thin walls, for the win!

"Hey, this is good pizza!" Ratso said with a muffled voice, as if his mouth were half full with pizza

"You know, we should order Big V and Shen Dude some! What do you think they'd like?" Finn slurred.

At this point, I winced and started walking back to Lisa, six-pack in hand. I hoped that by the time the order comes in, Ice had finally got his sorry butt in gear and showed up at work, or if he didn't, that this "Shen Dude" was a decent tipper.

"I don't get paid enough for this," I groaned as I put the beer in the trunk and headed back to the shop to clock out for the third time tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

I sat behind Lisa's steering wheel, screaming down the freeway to my next delivery, alone with my thoughts. Did that really just happen?

Bob was waiting for me by the timesheets when I came back in. I greeted him, and tried to excuse myself around him so that I could clock out.

"Sorry Maria, I need you for another delivery. Ice called, and he's going to be really late," he said, blocking my path.

"He isn't really late already? It's eight!" I protested, rather stupidly as it turns out.

"Whatever. The point is, that you're here, and you can do the next delivery as soon as it comes out of the oven instead of waiting for Ice."

"Bob, it's eight o' clock- my shift ended at seven. I want to go home!"

"Why? You don't have kids or even pets!" Bob said. "The only reason you wouldn't stick around is if you didn't want money!"

I started to explain that there were other things that I could be taking care of, including myself. "But Bob, I-"

"No buts! I gave you a job to do!" Bob roared, "So _do_ it, or kiss it goodbye!"

That really hurt me; I had done everything he asked me to do tonight, going above and beyond what I'd really signed up for. Ice hadn't even shown up yet- I mean, I know that's who he was really mad at, and I just represented a convenient target, but I'd never even seen this side of Bob before. I had never given him a problem with being late, or slacking, and tonight was the first time I really ever complained. Would he really have fired me? I didn't know, and I didn't want to find out because my survival really depended on this job.

Did it? "Uncle" said that the museum was hiring, and I had his nephew's number securely in my pocket...

I shook my head as I took the exit; I was being silly. I couldn't trade a sure thing for something that wasn't. Besides, this job paid the bills, and that was worth the stress, right?

Somehow, that last thought took the ring of veracity and threw it into the Marianas trench. I decided to continue this train of thought after I dropped off what I really hoped would be the last delivery of the night.

Lisa rolled to a stop on the access road between the warehouses and the docks; in front of me was a bend in the road, going around a building with direct access to the docks for fishing boats. This was the place. I looked around at the dark docks; the few lights did little to help visibility, but the crates and warehouses provided plenty of hiding places in any case. I found myself drumming my fingers nervously on the steering wheel as I considered the fact that no tip is worth my life. I pulled my cell phone out and dialed the shop's number. He answered on the third ring. "N1NJ4 Pizza!"

Again, I have no idea why he named the shop that.

"Hey Bob, it's Maria. This delivery you have me out on? I really don't feel safe on it."

"Ah, Maria, it'll be fine! I've been out there a hundred times after dark!" he said as if nothing had just happened between us.

I could hear the little white lie in his voice. The closest he's probably come to being out here was fishing at the pier on a bright Saturday afternoon. I cleared my throat. "Look, I can't see anything, and there's no one around to deliver to. I think we're going to have to eat this one."

"It's already been paid for, they'll be expecting it!" Bob protested. "Make a good faith effort! Look- they told me the office door was right there where you're parked. Just knock on it and see if anyone answers. If you do this, then you can come right back, and I'll treat you to a pie myself."

The last thing I wanted was a pie, especially one from Bob, but I was hungry, and it would go with the previous customers' beer in the trunk which at this point I'm planning to drink in one sitting. "All right," I said, "but if you don't hear back from me within fifteen minutes, call the cops because I'm probably dead." I hung up before he finished his "Thank you!" I really didn't want to hear it.

I took a deep breath and opened the door, my left hand gripping the pepper spray in my jacket pocket. Taking the fact that I've gotten this far without being shot as a good sign, I grabbed the pizza and walked up to the office door, lit only by a yellow flickering emergency light. I knocked. "Hello? N1NJ4 Pizza delivery!" I listened for a second that felt like a year, but heard nothing. "Well, good faith effort made!" I shrugged my nervousness off and started walking a little more briskly than necessary back to my car.

I made it about halfway when a rapidly moving reflection in Lisa's rear window caught my eye. All the alarm bells going off, I nearly dropped the pizza as I pulled out the pepper spray and turned to face...

Nothing. There wasn't even a hint that someone had been there. Truly creeped out, I took a few steps backwards before I turned around and started walking again. This time, I made it a little further before I heard a loud bang to my right. Out came the pepper spray as I turned again, this time to watch a five gallon bucket roll out of the shadows.

I'd had enough- I turned again to make a break for Lisa, which meant I had to stop short to avoid running smack into the three dark figures that had positioned themselves between me and my car. I yelped and took a step back; they moved as one unit into a sort of fighting crouch. I could barely make it out in this light, but they were all wearing black, and their feet were wrapped up in what looked like bandages. I could see red- yes, red- glowing eyes, but the rest of the faces were covered with black cloth.

Ninjas. I was being accosted by real ninjas.

Before I could move again, I felt hands gripping my arms from either side. I didn't have to look to know that two more had hold of me. One of the three that were in front snatched the pizza away. I screamed and tried to struggle, sure I was going to end up a grease spot on the dock there.

The next bit is hard to explain. I felt myself falling and saw the ground getting closer, but somehow managed to miss it completely. For the strangest sober moments of my life, it was very dark, and very cold. Then I blinked, and it was all over. I felt the press of wood planks under my feet, and the warm, musty, fishy smell of the building invaded my sinuses. The ninjas still had a tight grip on my arms, but they were paying attention to something that was in front of us, bowing their heads in respect. Almost reluctantly, I turned my eyes front to face a single tall figure standing in the shadows. I tried to say something, maybe ask what was going on or explain who I was and what I was doing here.

"Gleep."

I tried again to pull away from the ninjas, but the grip just tightened, with the implication that it could do so more or less infinitely in comparison to the finite strength of the bones in my arm. I wouldn't have made another attempt after that, even if the voice hadn't come out of the shadows. The voice... wow, that's hard to really describe. Think of what a snake would sound like if it attempted to speak English through a woofer, filtered through the sound system of the Oracle Arena, plus three days solid work in a good sound studio. You'd be close with that. "Why have you invaded my domain, mortal?"

I tried to answer, the words fighting for freedom against the terror that had bottlenecked in my throat.

"Pergle."

A pair of red eyes glowed out of the darkness, and the figure stalked forward. His long blonde hair was pulled back out of his face, but a few strands drifted onto the shoulder of his blue robe, which was covered in what vaguely looked like trigrams. For a second, I briefly wondered if this was something dreamed up by my overactive imagination after sitting through one too many classes on Chinese mythology. However, I realized while my Chinese mythology classes had discussed something like this, they certainly did not say anything about blue-skinned ninjas with red eyes. That, and my arms were really starting to hurt under the pressure- my imagination usually doesn't concoct phantom pains.

He came very close, moving calmly and peacefully like a lion approaching a gazelle with a broken leg. "Do you know who I am?" the voice hissed again. I very slowly and very honestly shook my head no. The man flashed a smile that I had only seen on sharks before now. "Then know this: I am Shendu, Demon Sorcerer of Fire, and Lord and Master of all I survey." He raised his hand inches away from my face. "And you, mortal, have trespassed against me. You will know my wrath!"

Something in what he said hot-wired my brain and drove it at full speed through the fog of utter panic and out the other side. Shendu. "Shendu- Shen Dude! They ordered pizza for you! I'm the delivery girl!" I blurted this out just in time to make the man stop and look confused, thereby at least temporarily postponing whatever unpleasantness he had in mind. "Look! He has it!" I pointed at the ninja carrying the pizza box, who bowed low as Shendu glanced over and lifted the lid. I could see the toppings; half of it was ham, bacon, sausage, pepperoni and hot peppers, half of it was mushrooms, artichokes and plum tomatoes, our most expensive toppings. The pressure on my arms suddenly abated as the ninjas let go.

"Ah, it _can_ speak!" he said. He looked ready to say more, but his face screwed up for a second as though he had just come down with a massive headache. When he next opened his eyes, they were normal- human- and blue. He stared at me, confused, and spoke. It wasn't the voice this time, but a normal, human, voice, albeit with a British accent. "What are you doing here?"

"Um... Pizza," I said, pointing at the box again. "It's paid for already."

He took the box from the ninja and stared at the pizza for a second, before slamming the lid shut and looking at me. "Who?"

I have never been good with names, and under stress like this, I was lucky I could remember my own. I scratched my head as I tried to recall the details. "Three guys. One was dressed straight out of Saturday Night Fever."

This was apparently all the identification that he needed, he grimaced and muttered something that, well, shouldn't be repeated in mixed company, under his breath. He looked back at me with a glare that suggested that I was the cause of all his problems tonight. "Get out."

I have never been so happy to be treated like crap and get no tip as I did right then. I turned around, and realized that because I had never actually seen the door that I had come in through- if I even came through a door in the first place- I couldn't actually leave through it either. I faced the man in the robe again, who was still glaring at me. "Well?" he said sharply.

I attempted to ask him where the exit was, but I only got as far as saying "Um..." and pointing vaguely to the only door that I could see.

The man's expression changed slightly, from annoyed to amused. He reached back to a phone on a desk or table that I had missed earlier and pressed a button. "Hak Foo?"

The door that I had been pointing at opened, and into the room came this walking mountain. I dropped my hand quickly so that I could keep it. The man stalked over to me- did I mention that he was huge? He was huge. He had to be at least six-foot-seven; his muscles had muscles. His bright red hair stuck up, giving just a little more emphasis to the fact that I was more than a foot shorter than him and only knew "kung fu" in the context of bad B-movies (and to be fair, he looked like the villain out of one- I mean, with the goatee and the fu-manchu thing going on, it was really a comparison that just begged to be made).

He stopped in front of me, but he didn't stand. He _loomed_. I stared up at him and tried to find something intelligent to say that wouldn't result in my immediate and painful demise.

"Ahh...hahha..ah..."

I took a few steps back, and nearly walked into the man in the blue robe. He gave me a gentle push forward, and said, "Show the lady out."

He clapped a giant hand on my shoulder, spun me around and started marching me toward the door. We stopped only when the man in the blue began to speak again. "Oh, And miss? I want to make it very clear that none of this ever happened, for the sake of your continued good health. Understand?"

I looked around, first at the man guiding me out, who looked ready, willing, and able to break me in half like a toothpick. I glanced back into the shadows as he narrowed his eyes; I could just barely make out the evenly-spaced little red points of light at about eye height. Then I craned my neck to look back at the man in the blue robe, who had this deadly-serious look on his face. "No problem."

As Hak Foo steered me toward the correct exit, I can hear the man talking to... himself? I'm not even sure anymore. I've never heard of someone talking to themselves with different voices.

"We could have had some fun..." the hissing voice said, a little reproachfully.

"Eat your pizza, Shendu," said the voice with the British accent sounding more than a little disgusted.

The man opened the door, and then gave me a shove on the shoulder that sent me stumbling out to the road. I was really getting tired of getting grabbed and pushed, but I wasn't going to say anything. I could see Lisa there, not twenty feet away, like a welcome harbor in a bad storm.

I don't know why I looked back; I knew what I was going to see. Hak Foo somehow contrived to look even more menacing, and gave this sort of low, guttural growl. I swallowed, tried to look friendly and harmless, and attempted the world speed record for Walking Calmly to my car. I got in; I fastened my seatbelt and even checked the mirrors.

Then I laid a quarter-inch of rubber on the road as I put the pedal down and peeled out of there like a bat out of Hell. I started breathing again at a red light three blocks away. "I don't get paid enough for this," I muttered as soon as I could form a coherent sentence.

And just then, it was like the little light went on. That phrase made more and more sense each time I said it. "I don't get paid enough for this..."

I had an epiphany then; my job was stressful, and, as I had just experienced, sometimes dangerous, and I didn't get paid enough to continue to do this. I felt this was a very important fact, and I wanted to tell the world. I rolled down my window and shouted to the sky.

"I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS!"


	5. Epilogue

I set Lisa's parking brake; I was a woman on a mission.

I had taken a second to change out of the black polo that constitutes my uniform, and I had that, my ball cap, and the lighted sign for my car under my arm as I stormed into the employee's entrance, almost running smack into Ice. He was on his way out, carrying a single pizza. He grinned at me and said, "Yo, baby!"

I resisted the urge to rip out all of his piercings and weave them into his spiky blonde hair. I think I showed considerable restraint when I replied, "Go jump in a lake."

Alright, it lacks zing, but there were a few more important things that I had to say, all of them to the man behind the counter. He was standing there, getting more pizzas ready.

"Hey! There you are! I told you it'd be OK!" Bob said enthusiastically. "Ice is here, but he's going out on a delivery now, and we just got swamped. I'm going to need you to-"

"No." I cut him off. "No, Bob. I have stayed here over an hour and a half after my shift ended. I'm going home."

"Oh, but Maria, we-"

"Bob," I said, "Someone called me a demon tonight. That second delivery you had me on was in the middle of a dark alley, and I don't even know what those people did for a living! Then, I got tipped in beer."

"You're not supposed to-"

I held up my finger. "And _then_ I got kidnapped by ninjas! Real, honest-to-God, black-wearing, sword wielding, sneaky red-eyed ninjas!"

I know this technically violated the "no talking" rule set down by Shen-dude, but at this point I was too high on rage to really care.

"And I only got two decent tips tonight, and one of them was from a nine year old! Bob, I just don't get paid enough for this!"

"Well, there's nothing I-"

"You could give me decent hours. Or treat me like a human being. Or fire that waste of space and hire someone more conscientious. Or not send me down to the DOCKS at this time of night ALONE. But the time for that has passed." I shoved the polo, cap, and lighted sign over the counter to Bob. "This is my two weeks notice."

"But Maria, we _need_ you! And you're always saying you need the money, I did you a _favor_ tonight by letting you pick up Ice's tips!"

I looked over at Ice, who has been standing in the door since I told him to go swimming, just watching the show. He looked mildly surprised at being called a waste of space. Bob blathered on with the litany of why he needs me, and why I couldn't or shouldn't quit. It occurred to me that I wasn't getting paid to stand and listen to this, either.

I looked back at Bob with a large grin on my face. "You know, I think I'm getting sick." I held my hand up to my forehead for a second. "Yeah, there it is. Fever, sinus congestion, a sudden attack of self respect... This is the Ninja flu alright. It looks like I'm going to be out sick for at least the next fourteen days."

I was still grinning as I walked past Ice and out of the shop into a new, ninja-free life.


End file.
